[ Clip from Ancient Inventions ]

Craig: Please welcome Terry Jones! [ Cheers and applause. ] Um, thank you for doing this show.
 
Terry: Well, it's a pleasure, Craig. I don't know what else I'd be doing if it wasn't here.

Craig: I'm a big fan. I grew up watching you. You're the man. I think you guys are great.

Terry: Well, I don't know what to say. Craig, I think you're wonderful too. Your blue eyes seem to do something to me. He's gorgeous, isn't he, people?

Craig: Um, the inventions, I heard something, the lords of China? The clock?

Terry: Well, some of the inventions they weren't invented for what you think. The first clock was not invented to tell the time. It was invented to regulate the sex life of the Emperor of China. You see, it's very odd, in 900 A.D. their emperors, unlike President Clinton, were expected to go to bed with a lot of women. In fact, it was his duty to go to bed with 110 women in the course of a month.

Craig: Wow, that's a great job. [ Laughter. ]

Terry: Well, it's not bad! But the thing is the offspring, the heir to the throne, was judged not by when he was born but when he was actually concieved. So the whole thing was, it was terribly important to know who the emperor was in bed with, what he was doing to her, and at what time. You can imagine all these people, all these court bishops standing around the royal bedchambers. "Was that? Was it?" "Oh yes, yes, that was it!" "It wasn't a blowjob, was it?" "Oh no! No! Honest! Full penetration!" [ Laughter and applause. ]

Craig: Wow, they were that.. the crowd loves that stuff.

Terry: That's why they invented the clock. So they knew when it was.

Craig: Wow, I didn't know they were real wild back then. Um..

Terry: They must've been. We wouldn't be here otherwise, would we?

Craig: Really. Um, the birth control method?

Terry: Well, yes, that was, um... 4,000 years ago in Egypt, the ladies used to use crocodile dung.

Craig: Crocodile dung.

Terry: I'm sorry to say this on the air.

Craig: How would they use that?

Terry: Well, um, do you really want to hear the details? They use to shove it up, quite honestly, Craig. [ Crowd reacts. ]

Craig: That is so...

Terry: I'm not quite sure if it acted as a contreceptive or whether was to put all the men off. [ Laughter. ]

Craig: That's really odd because we, my old girlfriend and I, we used to use camel dung, but crocodile dung? [ Laughter. ] That's so.. weird. Um, I just wanted to say that um, I like all the Monty Python performers. But, you were the guy, you were the highbrow one. Um, we have a clip..

Terry: Subtle. Subtle.

Craig: Very subtle. This is from The Meaning of Life. Terry Jones, the thespian.

[ Clip from Mr. Creosote sketch in Meaning of Life. ]

Craig: Very nice! [ Cheers and applause. ] Now, um..

Terry: Subtle. Subtle.

Craig: Very subtle. Um, we've had two others from Monty Python on here. We had Michael Palin and he got three out of five. And then old Cleese got five out of five.

Terry: Oh clever dick. Cleese would. Yeah.

Craig: Lot of pressure on you. Here we go. Five questions. [ Music and applause. ] Um, geography. The place is London. Specifically, Westminster Abbey. Name at least three people memorialized in Poet's Corner.

Terry: Peete, Shelley, and Chaucer.

Craig: That is correct. Very good. [ Bell and applause. ] That's great. Who was the original host of TV's "Let's Make A Deal"?

Terry: Oh, golly, um, Johnny Carson!

Craig: No.

Terry: No?

Craig: Monty Hall. [ Buzz. ]

Terry: Oh, Monty Hall. Of course.

Craig: What was Jesus Christ's drinking cup known as?

Terry: The Grail.

Craig: Correct. [ Bell and applause. ] The movie you're in.

Terry: Yes, I should know that.

Craig: What are the best two condiments to serve with a scone?

Terry: Oh, a little bit of cottage cream and strawberry jam!

Craig: Yes! [ Bell and applause. ]

Terry: Anything to do with food.

Craig: Right. Um, finally, why do all of you Brits hide a sophisticated fascade when we all know that you're a bunch of little perverts? [ Laughter. ]

Terry: [ rolls up his sleeves ] I don't think I need to answer that, do we? I think I should just bash him off, don't you? We're not perverts! We're not perverts, I tell you! [ Bell. ]

Craig: We're going to give that to you because I'm frightened right now. [ Applause. ] Um, that wasn't from me!

Terry: That wasn't? Oh I'm sorry, Craig.

Craig: That wasn't. One of our big writers asked that.

Terry: [ brushes Craig off ] I'm sorry. You look so handsome.

Craig: That feels so good.

Terry: Isn't he? Oh, we are perverts, I'm sorry!

Craig: Ancient Inventions airs Sunday night on the Discovery Channel. Big hand for Terry Jones! [ Cheers and applause. ]