I'd rather..just..SING!!

MONTY

PYTHON

SONGS

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE

I BET YOU THEY WON'T PLAY THIS SONG ON THE RADIO

PENIS SONG (NOT THE NOEL COWARD SONG)

YANGTSE SONG

ACCOUNTANCY SHANTY

Sung by Eric Idle

From `Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'

Full speed ahead, Mister Cohen!

It's fun to charter an accountant

And sail the wide accountancy

To find, explore the funds offshore

And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy

It can be manly in insurance

We'll up your premium semi-annually

It's all tax-decductable

We're fairly incorruptable

We're sailing on the wide accountancy!

Oh this is fun, Mister Cohen! Fetch me another exotic shalut! To port!

Bring a port to Sherry! And a medium-dry sherry to port!

ALL THINGS DULL AND UGLY

From `Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album'

All things dull and ugly

All creatures, short and squat

All things rude and nasty

The Lord God made the lot

Each little snake that poisons

Each little wasp that stings

He made their brutish venom

He made their horrid wings

All things sick and cancerous

All evil great and small

All things foul and dangerous

The Lord God made them all

Each nasty little hornet

Each beastly little squid

Who made the spikey urchin

Who made the sharks, He did

All things scabbed and ulcerous

All pox both great and small

Putrid, foul and gangrenous

The Lord God made them all

AMEN

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE

Sung by Eric Idle

From 'Monty Python's Life Of Brian'

Some things in life are bad

They can really make you mad

Other things just make you swear and curse

When you're chewin' on life's gristle

Don't gumble, give a whistle!

And this'll help things turn out for the best

..AND..

Always look on the bright side of life (whistles)

Always look on the light side of life (whistles)

If life seems jolly rotten

There's somefing you've forgotten

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing

When your feelin' in the dumps

Don't be silly chumps

Just purse your lips and whistle that's the ting

And always look on the bright side of life (whistles)

Come on! ..Always look on the right side of life (whistles)

For life is quite absurd

And death's the final word

You must always face the curtain with a bow

Forget about your sin

Give the audience a grin

Enjoy it! It's your last chance anyhow!

So always look on the bright side of death

A-Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece a shit

When you look at it

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true

You'll see it's all a show

Keep 'em laughin' as you go

But remember that the last laugh is on you

And always look on the bright side of life

(this repeats as Eric continues talking through the song)

C'mon Brian! Cheer up!

Worse things happen at sea, you know!

I mean, what you got to lose?

You know, you gone from nofin', you gone back to nofin', what you lost? Nofin'!

Nofin' will come from nofin'..'

You know what they say? Cheer up, ya ol' bugger!

C'mon! Give us a grin! There ya are!

See? It's the end of the film.

Incidently, this record's available in the forlap.

Someone's got to live as well, you know.

Alright, it's a lot.

(mumbling)

Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?

I told him, I said to him,

'Bernie,' I said, 'I never made that money, mate..'

ANSWERING MACHINE SONG

Sung by Eric Idle

From `Monty Python's Complete Waste Of Time'

If you want to leave a message after the tone

Then speak clearly and I'll call you when I'm home

Just say your words and say your name

Leave the time and date you called

And I'll get back to you

Unless you're completely a boring old fart

If you want to leave a message after the tone

And darling, please forgive me, I'm not home

I'm out shopping or trying to buy a dress

So please leave your message, unless you're in distress

Please leave a message after the tone

I'm so sorry this is taking me so long

I hope you're not calling from Australia

Or far from Singapore

Or this whole thing is costing you a fortune

As well as being a bore

Leave a message, please leave me a message after the tone

Because..alright I am! I am home! I am, I am, I am!

I'm locked up in the bathroom all alone

Please leave a mail message after the tone

BRAVE SIR ROBIN

Sung by Neil Innes

From `Monty Python and the Holy Grail'

Song 1 --

Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.

He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin.

He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,

Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,

To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away

And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out

And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged

And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off

And his pen--

Song 2 -

Brave Sir Robin ran away,

Bravely ran away, away.

When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.

Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about

And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,

He beat a very brave retreat,

Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin.

Song 3 -

He is packing it in and packing it up

And sneaking away and buggering up

And chickening out and pissing off home,

Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

BRIAN SONG

Sung by Sonia Jones

From `Monty Python's Life Of Brian'

Brian

The babe they called Brian

He grew

Grew, grew, and grew

Grew up to be

A boy called Brian

He had arms

And legs

And hands

And feet

This boy

Whose name was Brian

And he grew

Grew, grew, and grew

Grew up to be

Yes, he grew up to be

A teenager called Brian

And his face became spotty

Yes, his face became spotty

And his voice dropped low

And things started to grow

And young Brian in show

He was suddenly no

No girl named Brian

Not a girl named Brian

And he started to shave

And have one off the wrist

And want to see girls

And go out and get pissed

A man called Brian

This man called Brian

The man they called Brian

This man called Brian!!

BRUCES' PHILSOPHERS SONG

Sung by the Pythons

From `Monty Python's' album

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant

who was very rarely stable

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar

who could think you under the table

David Hume could out-consume

Schopenhauer and Hegel

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine

who was just as sloshed as Schlegel

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya

'bout the raising of the wrist

Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will

after 'alf a pint of shandy was particularly ill

Plato, they say, could stick it away

'alf a crate of whiskey every day

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle

Hobbes was fond of his dram

And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:

"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed

A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed

CAMELOT SONG

Sung by The Knights Of The Round Table

From 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'

We're Knights Of The Round Table

We dance when ere were able

We do routines

And chorus scenes

With footwork impeccable

We dine well here in Camelot

We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot!

We're Knights Of The Round Table

Our shows are formidable

But many times

We're given rhymes

That are quite unsingable

We're Opera mad in Camelot

We sing from the diaphragm a lot!

(Little dance number.)

In war, we're tough and able

Quite indefatigable

Between our quests

We sequin vests

And impersonate Clark Gable

It's a busy life in Camelot

I have to push the pram a lot!

CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

Sung by Graham Chapman

From `Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'

It's Christmas in Heaven.

All the children sing.

It's Christmas in Heaven.

Hark. Hark. Those church bells ring.

It's Christmas in Heaven.

The snow falls from the sky,

But it's nice and warm, and everyone

Looks smart and wears a tie.

It's Christmas in Heaven.

There's great films on TV:

`The Sound of Music' twice an hour

And `Jaws' One, Two, and Three.

JOSEPH AND MARY:

There's gifts for all the family.

There's toiletries and trains.

THREE WISE MEN:

There's Sony Walkman Headphone sets

And the latest video games.

EVERYONE:

It's Christmas! It's Christmas in Heaven!

Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!

Every single day

Is Christmas day!

It's Christmas! It's Christmas in Heaven!

Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!

Every single day

Is Christmas day!

DECOMPOSING COMPOSERS

Sung by Michael Palin

From `Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album'

Beethoven's gone, but his music lives on

And Mozart don't go shopping no more

You'll never meet Liszt or Brahms again

And Elgar doesn't answer the door

Schubert and Chopin used to chuckle and laugh

While composing a long symphony

But one hundred and fifty years later

There's very little of them left to see

They're decomposing composers

There's nothing much anyone can do

You can still hear Beethoven

But Beethoven cannot hear you

(Rather warped section of Beethoven's Fifth)

Handel and Haydn and Rachmaninoff

Enjoyed a nice drink with their meals

But now-a-days no one will serve them

And their gravy is left to congeal

Verdi and Wagner delighted the crowds

With their highly original sound

The pianos they played are still working

But their both six feet under ground

They're decomposing composers

There's less of them every year

You can say what you like to Debussy

But there's not much of him left to 'ear

Claude Achille Debussy, Died 1918

Cristoph Willibald Gluck, Died 1787

Carl Maria von Weber, not at all well 1825, died 1826

Giacomo Meyerbeer, still alive 1863, not still alive 1864

Modest Mussorgsky, 1880 going to parties, no fun anymore 1881

Johann Nepomuch Hummel, chatting away night-in and a dozen

with his mates down at the pub every evening 1836

1837, nothing.

DENNIS MOORE

Sung by Fred Tomlinson Singers

From `Monty Python's Flying Circus'

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Galloping through the sward

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

And his horse concorde

He steals from the rich

And gives to the poor

Mr Moore, Mr Moore, Mr Moore

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Riding through the night

Soon every lupin in the land

Will be in his mighty hand

He steals them from the rich

And gives them to the poor

Mr Moore, Mr Moore, Mr Moore

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Dum dum dum the night

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Dum de dum dum plight

He steals dum dum dum

And dum dum dum dee

Dennis dum, Dennis dee dum dum dum

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Riding through the woods

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

With his bag of things

He gives to the poor

And takes from the rich

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Riding through the land

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Without a merry band

He steals from the poor

And gives to the rich

Stupid bitch

DO WHAT JOHN

Sung by the Pythons

From `Contractual Obligation Album'

Do what John? Do what John?

Come again do what?

Do what John? Do what John?

Do what? Do what? Do what?

Do where John? Do where John?

Wiv what, wiv whom and when?

T'rific, really t'rific

Pardon come again

Do what John? Do what John?

Come again do what?

Do what John? Do what John?

Do what? Do what? Do what?

Do where John? Do where John?

Wiv what, wiv whom and when?

T'rific, really t'rific

Pardon come again

ERIC THE HALF-A-BEE

Sung by John Cleese

From `Monty Python's Previous Record'

Half-a-bee, philosophically

Must ipso-facto half not-bee

But half the bee, has got to bee

Vis-a-vis it's entity ..d'you see?

But can a bee be said to be

Or not to be an entire bee

When half the bee is not a bee

Due to some ancient injury

Singing..

La di di; a one, two, three

Eric The Half-A-Bee

A-B-C-D-E-F-G

Eric The Half-A-Bee

Is this a wretched demi-bee

Half asleep upon my knee

Some freak from a managerie?

NO! It's Eric The Half-A-Bee!

A fiddle-di-dum, a fiddle-di-dee

Eric The Half-A-Bee

Ho ho ho, tee hee hee

Eric The Half-A-Bee

I love this hive employ-e-e

Bisected accidentally

One summer afternoon by me

I love him, carnally

He loves him carnally

Semi-carnally. The end.

LICENCER: Cyril Connolly?

CUSTOMER: No, semi-carnally!

LICENCER: Oh! ...Cyril Connelly..

(whistle from one end to the other)

EVERY SPERM IS SACRED

Sung by Michael Palin and Terry Jones

From `Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'

There are Jews in the world, there are Buddists

There are Hindus and Mormons and then

There are those that follow Mohammad BUT

I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic

And have been since before I was born

And the one thing they say about Catholics is

They'll take you as soon as you're warm

You don't have to be a six footer

You don't have to have a great brain

You don't have to have any clothes on

You're a Catholic the moment Dad came

Because..

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

GIRL: Let the heathens spill theirs

On the dusty ground

God shall make them pay

For each sperm that can't be found

Every sperm is wanted

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed

In your neighborhood

MOTHER: Hindu, Taoist, Mormon

Spill theirs just anywhere

But God loves those who treat their

Semen with more care

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed

In your neighborhood

Every sperm is useful

Every sperm is fine

God needs everybody's

Mine, and mine, and mine

Let the pagans spill theirs

O'er mountain, hill and plain

God shall strike them down for

Each sperm that's spilt in vain

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed

In your neighborhood

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

FERRET SONG

I can see a bare-bottomed mandril

Slyly eyeing his upper nostril

If he jumps inside there too

I really won't know what to do

I'll be a proud possessor of a kind of nasal zoo

A nasal zoo

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose

And what is worse it constantly explodes

Ferrest don't explode you say

But it happened nine times yesterday

And I should know 'cause each time

I was standing in the way

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose

How it got there I can't tell

But now it's there it hurts like hell

And what is more it radically affects my sense of smell.

FINLAND

Sung by Michael Palin

From `Monty Python's' album

Finland, Finland, Finland

The country where I want to be

Pony trekking or camping

Or just watching TV

Finland, Finland, Finland

It's the country for me

You're so near to Russia

So far from Japan

Quite a long way from Cairo

Lots of miles from Vietnam

Finland, Finland, Finland

The country where I want to be

Eating breakfast or dinner

Or snack lunch in the hall

Finland, Finland, Finland

Finland has it all

You're so saly neglected

And often ignored

A poor second to Belgium

When going abroad

Finland, Finland, Finland

The country where I quite want to be

Your mountains so lofty

Your treetops so tall

Finland, Finland, Finland

Finland has it all

All together, Finnophiles!

Finland, Finland, Finland

The country where I quite want to be

Your mountains so lofty

Your treetops so tall

Finland, Finland, Finland

Finland has it all

Finland has it all..

GALAXY SONG

Sung by Eric Idle

From `Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'

Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown

And things seem hard or tough

And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft

And you feel that you've had quite eno-o-o-o-o-ough

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving

And revolving at nine thousand miles an hour

It's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned

The sun that is the source of all our power

Now the sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see

Are moving at a million miles a day

In the outer spiral arm, at fourteen thousand miles an hour

Of a galaxy we call the Milky Way

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred million stars

It's a hundred thousand light-years side to side

It bulges in the middle sixteen thousand light-years thick

But out by us it's just three thousand light-years wide

We're thirty thousand light-years from Galactic Central Point

We go 'round every two hundred million years

And our galaxy itself is one of millions of billions

In this amazing and expanding universe

Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding

In all of the directions it can whiz

As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know

Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is

So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure

How amazingly unlikely is your birth

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space

'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth

(tis)

HENRY KISSINGER

Sung by Eric Idle

From `Contractual Obligation Album'

Henry Kissinger

How I'm missing yer

You're the Doctor of my dreams

With your crinkly hair and your glassy stare

And your machiavellian schemes

I know they say that you are very vain

And short and fat and pushy but at least you're not insane

Henry Kissinger

How I'm missing yer

And wishing you were here

Henry Kissinger

How I'm missing yer

You're so chubby and so neat

With your funny clothes and your squishy nose

You're like a German parakeet

All right so people say that you don't care

But you've got nicer legs than Hitler

And bigger tits than Cher

Henry Kissinger

How I'm missing yer

And wishing you were here

HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE

Sung by Terry Jones

From `Contractual Obligation Album'

Here comes another one

Here it comes again

Here comes another one

When will it ever end?

I know whatever it is

I've not seen one before

But here comes another one

And here comes a bunch of 'em

Here comes another one

Thank God I'm not having lunch with them

HE'S GOING TO TELL

Sung by Swamp Castle Guests

From `Monty Python and the Holy Grail'

He's going to tell! He's going to tell!

He's going to tell about his great escape.

Oh, he fell a long, long way,

But he's here with us today.

What a wonderful escape!

HOW SWEET TO BE AN IDIOT

Sung by Neil Innes

From `Monty Python: Live at Drury Lane'

How sweet to be an Idiot

As harmless as a cloud

Too small to hide the sun

Almost poking fun

At the warm but insecure untidy crowd

How sweet to be an idiot

And dip my brain in joy,

Children laughing at my back

With no fear of attack

As much retaliation as a toy

How sweet to be an idiot

How sweet

I tiptoed down the street

Smiled at everyone I meet

But suddently a scream

Smashes through my dream

Fee fi fo fum

I smell the blood of an asylum

Blood of an asylum

But mother I play so beautifully, listen. ha ha

Fee fi fo fum

I smell the blood of the asylum

Hey you, you're such a pennant

You got as much brain as a dead ant

As much inagination as a carvan sign

But I still love you, still love you

Oooh how sweet to be an idiot

How sweet

I BET YOU THEY WON'T PLAY THIS SONG ON THE RADIO

Sung by Eric Idle

From `Contractual Obligation Album'

I bet you they won't play this song on the radio

I bet you they won't play this new (beep) song

It's not that it's (heeeeh) or (honk honk) controversial

Just that the (bing)ing words are awfully strong

You can't say (awwooog) on the radio

Or (skip)

Or (bounce)

Or (WAAHH!)

You can't even say I'd like to (twirl) you some day

Unless you're a doctor with a very large (boing)

So I bet you they won't play this song on the radio

I bet you they won't (scratch)ing well program it

I bet you the (chi-ching)ing old program directors

Will think it's a load of horse (fart)

I LIKE CHINESE

Sung by Eric Idle

From `Monty Python Sings'

The world today seems absolutely crackers

With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high

There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger

It's depressing, and it's senseless, and that's why..

I like Chinese

They only come up to your knees

Yet they're always friendly and they're ready to please

I like Chinese

There's 900 million of them in the world today

You'd better learn to like them, that's what I say

I like Chinese

They come from a long way overseas

But they're cute, and they're cuddly, and they're ready to please

I like Chinese food

The waiters never are rude

Think all the many things they've done to impress

There's Maoism, Taoism, I Ching, and Chess

So I like Chinese

I like Chinese

I like their tiny little trees

Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese

I like Chinese thought

The wisdom that Confucious taught

If Darwin has anything to shout about

The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt

So I like Chinese

I like Chinese

They only come up to your knees

Yet they're wise, and they're witty, and they're ready to please

All together:

(Note - this Chinese is without a doubt all wrong)

Wull I jumba run

Wull I jumba ran

Ni Hau Ma, Ni Hau Ma, Ni Hau Ma, Tsai Chen

I like Chinese

Their food is guaranteed to please

A fourteen, a seven, a nine, and lychees

I like Chinese

I like their tiny little trees

Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese

I like Chinese

They only come up to your knees..(fade out)

LUMBERJACK SONG

From `Monty Python's Flying Circus'

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay

I sleep all night and I work all day

CHORUS: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay

He sleeps all night and he works all day

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch

I go to the lavatory

On Wednesdays I go shoppin'

And have buttered scones for tea

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch

He goes to the lavatory

On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'

And has buttered scones for tea

CHORUS

I cut down trees, I skip and jump

I like to press wild flowers

I put on women's clothing

And hang around in bars

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps

He likes to press wild flowers

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around in bars?

CHORUS

I chop down trees, I wear high heels

Suspenders and a bra

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear papa

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels

Suspenders and a bra????

(spoken, raggedly) What's this? Wants to be a *girlie*?

GIRLIE: Oh, Bevis! And I thought you were so RUGGED!!

MEANING OF LIFE

Sung by Eric Idle

From `Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'

Why are we here?

What's life all about?

Is God really real,

Or is there some doubt?

Well, tonight, we're going

To sort it all out

For tonight, it's the Meaning of Life

What's the point

Of all this hoax?

Is it the "chicken and the egg" time?

Are we just yolks?

Or perhaps we're just one

Of God's little jokes

Well, ca c'est the Meaning of Life

Is life just a game where we make up the rules

While we're searching for something to say?

Or are we just simply spiraling coils

Of self-replicating DNA?

In this life

What is our fate?

Is there a Heaven and Hell?

Do we reincarnate?

Is mankind evolving

Or is it too late?

Well, tonight, here's the Meaning of Life

For millions, this life is a sad vale of tears

Sitting around with, rien, nothing to say

While the scientists say, we're just simply spiraling coils

Of self-replicating DNA

So just why

Why are we here?

And just what

What, what do we fear?

Well, ce soir, for a change

It will be made clear

For this is the Meaning of Life

C'est le sens de la vie

This is the Meaning of Life

MEDICAL LOVE SONG

Sung by Graham Chapman

From `Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album'

(Expanded version from 'Monty Python Sings')

Inflammation of the foreskin

Reminds me of your smile

I've had balanital chancroids

For quite a little while

I gave my heart to NSU

That lovely night in June

I ache for you, my darling,

And I hope you'll get well soon

My penile warts, your herpes,

My syphilitic sore,

Your monilial infection

How I miss you more and more

Your dobies itch my scrum-pox

Ah, lovely gonorrhea

At least we both were lying

When we said that we were clear

Our syphilitic kisses

Sealed the secret of our tryst.
You gave me scrotal pustules
With a quick flick of your wrist.
Your trichovaginitis
Sent shivers down my spine,
I got snail tracks in my anus
When your spirochetes met mine!

Gonococcal urethritis

Streptococcal balanitis

Meningomyelitis

Diplococcal catholitis

Epidydimitis

Interstitial keratitis

Syphilitic coronitis

And anterior ureitis

My clapped-out genitalia

Is not so bad for me

As the complete and utter failure

Every time I try to pee

My doctor says my buboes

Are the worst he's ever seen.
My scrotum's painted orange
And my balls are turning green

My heart is very tender

Though my parts are awful raw

You might have been infected

But you never were a bore

I'm dying from your love, my love,

I'm your spirochetal clown

I've left my body to science,

But I'm afraid they've turned it down

Gonococcal urethritis

Streptococcal balanitis

Meningomyelitis

Diplococcal catholitis

Epidydimitis

Interstitial keratitis

Syphilitic coronitis

And anterior ureitis.

MONEY SONG

Sung by Eric Idle

From `Monty Python's Flying Circus'

I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pajamas

I've got forty thousand French francs in my fridge

I've got lots of lovely lire

Now the Deutchmark's getting dearer

And my dollar bills could by the Brooklyn Bridge

There is nothing quite as wonderful as money

There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash

Some people say it's folly

But I'd rather have the lolly

With money you can make a splash

There is nothing quite as wonderful as money

There is nothing like a newly minted pound

Everyone must hanker

For the butchness of a banker

It's accountancy that makes the world go round

You can keep your Marxist ways

But it's only just a phase

For it's money-money-money makes the world go round!

NEVER BE RUDE TO AN ARAB

Sung by Terry Jones

From `Monty Python's' album

Never be rude to an Arab

An Israeli, or Saudi, or Jew

Never be rude to an Irishman

No matter what you do

Never poke fun at a Nigger

A Spik, or a Wop, or a Kraut

And never put down-(KABOOM!!)

OH LORD PLEASE DON'T BURN US

Sung by Michael Palin

From `Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'

O Lord, please don't burn us.

Don't grill or toast Your flock.

Don't put us on the barbecue

Or simmer us in stock.

Don't braise or bake or boil us

Or stir-fry us in a wok.

Oh, please don't lightly poach us

Or baste us with hot fat.

Don't fricassee or roast us

Or boil us in a vat,

And please don't stick Thy servants, Lord,

In a Rotissomat.

OLIVER CROMWELL

Sung by John Cleese (with Eric Idle)

From `Monty Python Sings'

JOHN: The most interesting think about King Charles the First is that he

was 5"6' tall at the start of his reign, but only 4"8' tall at the end of it.

Because of..

Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England (Puritan)

Born in 1599 and died in 1658 (September)

Was at first (only)

MP for Huntington (but then)

He led the Ironside Cavalry at Marston Moor

in 1644 and won

The he founded the new model army

And praise be, beat the Cavaliers at Naisby

And the King fled up North, like a bat, to the Scots

ERIC: But under the terms of John Pimm's Solemn League and Covenant, the Scots

handed King Charles the First over to..

Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England (and his warts)

Born in 1599 and died in 1658 (September)

But alas (Oy Vay!)

Disagreement then broke out (between)

The Presbyterian Parliament and the Military

who meant to have an independent bent and so..

The 2nd Civil War broke out

And the Roundhead ranks faced the Cavaliers

at Preston Banks

And the King lost again

Silly thing! (Stupid git!)

ERIC: And Cromwell sent Colonel Pride to purge the House of Commons of the

Presbyterian Royalists, leaving behind only the rump Parliament..

Which appointed a High Court at Westminster Hall

To indict Charles the First for..

TY-HY-HYR-HYR-ANNY!! (Oooooohhhh!)

Charles was sentenced to death

Even though he refused to accept

That the court had..

JURISTIC-HICTION! (Say goodbye to his head!)

Poor King Charles

Laid his head

On the block (January 1649)

DOOOOWWWNN came the ax <*chop* ooohh!>

ERIC: And, in the silence that followed, the only sound that could be heard

was a solitary giggle, from..

Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England (Olé!)

Born in 1599 and died in 1658 (September)

Then he smashed (Ireland)

Set up the commonwealth (And more!)

He crushed the Scots at Worchester

And beat the Dutch at sea in 1653 and then..

He dissolved the rump Parliament

And with Lambert's consent

Wrote the instrument of government

Under which Oliver was Protector at last

THE END!

PENIS SONG (NOT THE NOEL COWARD SONG)

Sung by Eric Idle

From `Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off

recently in the Caribbean..

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?

Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?

It's swell to have a stiffy

It's divine to own a dick

From the tiniest little tadger

To the world's biggest prick!

So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas

Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake

Your piece of pork

Your wife's best friend

Your Percy or your cock

You can wrap it up in ribbons

You can slip it in your sock

But don't take it out in public

Or they will stick you in the dock

And you won't a-come a-back!

Uhh-thank you very much..

PROTEST SONG

Sung by Neil Innes

From `Monty Python: Live At City Center'

Eric: Well, now ladies and gentlemen it's talent-spotting time. And

please put your hands together for a very big warm welcome please

to Raymond Scum! (Raymond [Neil Innes] enters.)

Neil: Uh..(tunes guitar)..uh..(tunes guitar)..uh, this next song is a

protest song..(tunes guitar)..uh..(tunes some more)..uh, ladies and

gentlemen, I've suffered from my music. Now it's your turn..

(Song starts)

(Terrible harmonica playing)

All the prophets of doom

Can always find room

In a world full of worry and fear

Tips, cigarettes,

And chemistry sets

And Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer

So I'm goin' back

To my little ol' shack

And drink me a bottle of wine

That was Mis En Boutille

Before my birthday

And have me a fuckin' good time!

Rain on a tin roof sounds like a drum

We're marchin' for freedom today..hey!

Turn on your headlights and sound your horn

If people get in the way

(Terrible harmonica playing)

Let me turn you on

To the Cromium Swan

On the the nose of a long limousine

Even hide for the day

It is somethin' to say

But what the hell does it mean?

I may be accused

Of bein' confused

But I'm average weight for my height

My phil-o-so-phy

Like color TV

Is all there in black and white

RAI--Rain on a tin roof sounds like a drum

We're marchin' for freedom today..hey!

Turn on your headlights and sound your horn (honk honk)

If people get in the way

(Long harmonica note to end of song.)

RHUBARB TART

Sung by John Cleese

I want another slice of rhubarb tart.

I want another lovely slice.

I'm not disparaging the blueberry pie,

But rhubarb tart is, oh, so very nice.

A rhubarb what? A rhubarb tart!

A what-barb tart? A rhubarb tart!

I want another slice of rhubarb tart!

The principles of modern philosophy

Were postulated by Descartes.

Discarding everything he wasn't certain of,

He said 'I think, therefore I am a rhubarb tart'.

A rhubarb what? A rhubarb tart!

A René who? René Descartes!

Poor nut, he thought he was a rhubarb tart!

Read all the existentialist philosophers,

Like Schopenhauer and Jean-Paul Sartre.

Even Martin Heidegger agrees on one thing:

Eternal happiness is rhubarb tart.

A rhubarb what? A rhubarb tart!

A Jean-Paul who? A Jean-Paul Sartre!

Eternal happiness is rhubarb tart.

A rhubarb tart has fascinated all the poets,

Especially the immortal bard.

He caused Richard the Third to call on Bosworth Field:

'My kingdom for a slice of rhubarb tart!'

A rhubarb what? A rhubarb bard!

Immortal what? Immortal tart!

As rhymes go, that is really pretty bard!

SHOPPING SONG

Sung by Eric Idle

From `PythOnline'

Shopping. We're only happy when we're shopping.

We're only happy if we shop until we drop.

In search of bargains we will never stop.

When God created the universe, he pulled out all the stops.

First, He created all mankind. Then she created shops.

Shopping, we're really happy when we're shopping.

We're really happy if we shop until we drop!

In search of bargains we will never stop, stop, stop!

We'll shop and shop and shop, shop, shop!

SIT ON MY FACE

Sung by the Pythons

From `Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album'

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me

I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too

I love to hear you oralise

When I'm between your thighs

You blow me away!

Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you

I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly

Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine

If we sit on our faces

In all sorts of places

And play till we're blown away!

THEM MUDDY KNEES

Sung by Terry Jones

From `Contractual Obligation Album'

Muddy knees have got me all a quiver

Muddy knees have got me all a-glow.

Muddy knees have sent me for a paper

To a newsagent's near here that I know.

Muddy knees have got me all a quiver

Muddy knees have got me all a-glow.

Muddy knees have sent me for a paper

To a newsagent's near here that I know.

Muddy knees have got me all a quiver

Muddy knees have got me all a-glow.

Muddy knees have sent me for a paper

To a newsagent's near here that I know.

Them muddy knees

Them muddy knees have got me all a quiver

Them muddy knees have got me all a-glow.

Them muddy knees have sent me for a paper...

TRAFFIC LIGHTS

Sung by Terry Jones

From `Contractual Obligation Album'

I like traffic lights

No matter where they've been

I like traffic lights

But only when they're green

Chorus:

He likes traffic lights

No matter where they've been

He likes traffic lights

But only when they're green

I like traffic lights

That is what I said

I like traffic lights

But not when they are red

Chorus:

He likes traffic lights

That is what he said

He likes traffic lights

But not when they are red

I like traffic lights

Although my name's not Bambove

I like traffic lights

I.... Oh God!

YANGTSE SONG

Sung by the Pythons

From `Monty Python's Previous Record'

We love the Yangtse, Yangtse Kiang

Flowing from Yushu down Ching Kiang

Passing through Chung King, Wuhan and Hoo Kow

Three thousand miles, but it gets there somehow

Hey! Oh Szechuan's the province and Shanghai is the port

And the Yangtse is the river that we all support

We love the Yangtse, Yangtse Kiang

Flowing from Yushu down Ching Kiang

Passing through Chung King, Wuhan and Hoo Kow

Three thousand miles, but it gets there somehow

Hey! Oh Szechuan's the province and Shanghai is the port

And the Yangtse is the river that we all support

Thanks to Pat "Mr Picky" Bailey for completing lyrics and correcting words!

Last updated 5 Nov 98.