Michael Palin on Late Night

LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN Transcript of September 11, 1997 show with guest Michael Palin.

Conan: My first guest tonight is a founding member of Monty Python and can currently be seen in his hilarious PBS travel series Full Circle with Michael Palin. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Michael Palin! [ "Liberty Bell" plays. Cheers and applause. ]

Michael: An American signature tune.

Conan: That's right!

Michael: Yeah, it was written by Susie-- Sousa! Sorry! Sousa!

Conan: Sousa! Sousa!

Michael: Susie and the Banshees. Sousa and the Banshees.

Conan: Sousa! Do you remember Andy learing at you in the supermarket line all those years ago?

Michael: Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry. In those days, I was just crazed with success. [ Laughter. ] I wasn't feeling right. I wasn't feeling good. My head was big. And I didn't like those crazy nerds-- oh, I mean people coming up to me and saying [ Laughter. ] things like that. And I'm sorry. I feel very humble.

Andy: That was before I shed my crazy nerd skin. [ Laughter. ]

Michael: Yeah, I was going to give you twenty dollars. Will that cover it?

Andy: Forty. [ Laughter. ]

Michael: Forty, okay. Thirty-five?

Andy: Alright.

Michael: Okay, we'll work that out.

Conan: Forty. That's a lot of money.

Michael: Yeah.

Conan: Let's talk about this series for just a moment. I'm going to try and, uh, I want people to understand that, to me, this sounds like a dream job. This is, uh, you travel around, you get paid to travel around to exotic locales for a year and they film it and put it on TV.

Michael: You get paid to leave the country, that's all. The acting community in Britain get together and pay me to leave the country for two years.

Conan: Yeah, please go.

Michael: Um, no, it's a great job. I love travelling. But it's not easy. It is easy!

Conan: No, but you get that kind of money, this show must be expensive. We've tried to travel this show, you know, the 11:30 show in this country. They travel Letterman and Leno, you know, they go all over the country. They won't let us go to Tenick, New Jersey to do a program. [ Laughter. ] We can't go anywhere, and you pretty much get to travel anywhere you want. You can say, "I want to go to Alaska, I want to go to Bali," and they'll let you go there, right?

Michael: Yeah, but then they won't give you a hotel. And if they do give you a hotel, I mean, you also have to be ready for all sorts of emergencies like eating maggots in Mexico City and being attacked by crazed Russian women, which is quite an experience.

Conan: You were attacked by a crazed Russian woman?

Michael: Yeah, shall I tell you a story?

Conan: I'm sorry, there's no time for a story on this show! [ Laughter. ] Yeah. We thought you were going to do a dancing routine! Uh, yay, uh, no, what crazy Russian woman attacked you?

Michael: We were in a hotel in Russia where we had been filming in Kyev and I arrived back with the crew and our two Russian interpreteurs. And this very large lady suddenly emerged in the forrier, lept up, and charged towards me with an ax, well, I'm embellishing a bit, but some offensive weapon.

Conan: It wasn't an actual, it was a hot dog! [ Laughter. ]

Michael: It was a huge hot dog, you've got it! A huge Ukranian sausage. [ Laughter. ]

Conan: No, seriously, a woman came at you with a weapon?

Michael: Yeah, and she had to be restrained. These two guards rushed forward and dragged her back. What happened was three months before, her doctor had been impregnated by an Englishman in Kyev. And all she knew was that he was from England and his name was Michael and he had stayed at this hotel. So, she had been waiting three months for a man from England named Michael to check in.

Conan: So, you went up to the desk and said, "Cheerio! My name's Michael!" and she got out the sausage and charged.

Michael: Yeah, that's my story. We're not very happy living together in the sausage. [ Laughter. ] The wine and the bacon and the Ukranian sausage.

Conan: You mentioned that you don't often stay in hotels though, you stay in the bush for the most part, is that right?

Michael: Yes, in a little bush. [ Laughter. ]

Conan: And you bring this bush with you wherever you go!

Michael: Yeah, the BBC bush.

Conan: You actually have to bring the bush to nice hotel rooms and sit there.

Michael: Uh, it's very much, I mean, the thing that people seem to like about the series is when things go wrong. And nice hotels really don't make for good television.

Conan: Right. Not a lot goes wrong.

Michael: Like, we were going through the Peruvian jungle, and people like that because it looks uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable! Especially when you're with a guide, this great guide who, we were going down some rapids in a river going through the Amazon into this canyon. And the water was getting quite rough and our guide was an Englishman living in Peru, and he said, "I'm so excited! I'm so excited!" and we said, "You must do this all the time," and he said, "No, I've never been here before in my life!" [ Laughter. ] And he was the guide! And, so I thought, "Oh, dear.." because, the BBC won't pay these people! They won't pay, they give them half a Ukranian sausage and expect to get [ Laughter. ] good, they give them the decent half of it, and they get the unfunny half.

Conan: So, guides. They must have some guides that know the area where they took you around.

Michael: Yeah, there are guides but they, there's also a language problem we depend on people who can speak the language, but they have the guide and the interpeteur that tells the guide what to do. And one day when we were crossing a certain river in Guay and it was in this little paddleboat and it also had a little motor the guy on the boat had been told, "Take Michael out a couple of strokes on the paddle and then start the engine, okay? Could you tell him that?" So the interpreteur tells him that, and the interpreteur, everything he told him, "On no accounts start the engine when Michael is out on the river." So we get there, he had paddled it a bit, and we're sitting there, and so I say, "Okay, fine. We've done the paddling, now start the engine," and he goes, "He he he he." [ Laughter. ] And I said, "No, that's fine. Now engine start," and he goes, "He he he he." [ Laughter. ] And so, you know, it went on rather like this, so..

Conan: He's still doing that, isn't he? He's watching this interview right now.

Michael: Yeah. "He he he he." [ Laughter. ] Yeah. Here he's saying, "That idiot. I showed him up."

Conan: You have a clip here from the program. Is there anything we need to set this up? I think the clip illustrates some of the hardships that you had to deal with on the show.

Michael: Oh yes.

Conan: I believe this is on an island in Alaska.

Michael: Yeah, um, we were on a bare island in Kodiak at this point and we were stranded. This is day four on the journey and the journey takes 240 days. And day four or day ten we were stranded on this island. The plane that had taken us there didn't come back and this is part of the heart-rending story you're about to see.

Conan: Alright, let's take a look at this clip from Full Circle with Michael Palin.

[ Clip from Full Circle. Cheers and applause. ]

Conan: I take it, a very culturally-broadening show.

Michael: Yes, well, we don't like to leave anything out. And we can't leave out going to the lavatory, really I mean, that's what everyone worries about.

Conan: Different places.

Michael: Different places and at different times.

Conan: Did you pick up any souvenirs? I know, if I took a trip like that, I like to buy souvenirs. I'd be buying things to give to people back home. Were you tempted to buy anything?

Michael: Uh, well, the people there send me things all the time. Everywhere I went, people would send either themselves or something they got. But the only thing I sent back was a pebble from Cape Horn, the very southern tip of South America, you know, which is a very amazing place to be on. It very rare that you can actually land there. And we landed actually on Cape Horn itself and there were three guys and a dog who live there. That's sort of their space and they don't see people for a long long time. And this dog was really pleased to see us, I mean, really pleased. [ Laughter. ] You know, became very interested in your knee, you know, try to shake him off. "Hey boy! Here we are!" "Woof woof woof woof!" [ Laughter. ] "Someone's come to Cape Horn!" [ Applause. ] "Ay! Hey!" So, I brought back this little pebble. The last stone in America apart from Mick Jagger. [ Laughter. ]

Conan: Did your wife get upset when you'd come back from these exotic places and you'd just bring home a pebble?

Michael: Well, she gets upset when I come back period. [ Laughter. ]

Conan: That's the part she doesn't like.

Michael: Yeah, no, she had to clear the house out. Save those hats around, things like that.

Conan: Oh, how sad. How terribly tragic.

Michael: She didn't, uh, well, actually, as long as I come back without anyone then she's quite happy.

Conan: The dog you brought back!

Michael: Yeah, he's still there! Down! Down!

Conan: The, um, Full Circle with Michael Palin..

Michael: Down! Down!

Conan: ..premieres this Monday at 8 pm.

Michael: Down!

Conan: He's still there! Always a problem! This Monday at 8 pm on PBS.

Michael: He's got my trousers! Ah! [ Laughter. Applause. ] Sorry about that.

Conan: The dog was smaller than I remember. Alright, at 8 pm on PBS, and you have a book out, this is Full Circle, and this is, of course, all about the trip and is available at bookstores everywhere.

Michael: A frank and candid diary of the journey. A very rude read. [ Laughter. ]

Conan: Alright. Hey, I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to finally meet you. Thanks so much for coming by here.

Michael: Thank you. Thanks.

Conan: Michael Palin, everybody. [ Cheers and applause. ] We'll be right back. The Ventriloquist Dummy Choir, stick around.