The S%*T List

Disclaimer: The Hit List was created in September of 1996, solely for the purpose of humor. It is not intended to suggest 
harm or to act as a threat to anyone on this page. It's just a list of people I'm sick of hearing about. If you are on my list, 
I'm sorry. If you find a celebrity that you idolize on this list, I'm also sorry, but you idolize losers. Get a life. 
-zerox (9.18.96)

Alrighty then boys and girls, it's time for our favorite web page, the HIT LIST. You all know the rules, feel free to bitch at me as much as you want if you think someone shouldn't be listed here, but I'm not gonna listen to ya. But, feel free to make a few nominations. These people are not listed in any order of disgust. Let the bitching begin...

1. Courtney Love, The Media Whore - where's the talent? when will her next heroin overdose be her last? (not soon enough!) Before she married Kurt Cobain of Nirvana, she was a nothing with a crappy band. Now she's a media superstar (still with a crappy band!). I think the entire marriage was a scam, and Kurt's death was Courtney's boost into the limelight. Has anyone else noticed how much Hole's "Live Through This" sounds like Nirvana? Now who's gonna write her songs?

2. Hootie and the Blowfish - If you heard one Hootie, you heard 'em all. Boring! Every song is the same. They all sound like the decrepit "Hold My Hand." Hootie Blows alright!

3. Drew Barrymore - Ugh! disgusting! however she would make a good poster child for the D.A.R.E. program. "If you take huge amounts of drugs at the age of 7, you'll turn into HER!!! Arrgggh!!!

4. Anna Nicole Smith - Wow! what a metamorphosis! I remember seeing her in the Guess ads, and I thought she was hot! Now, she's a cow, but still wearing tight, clingy clothing. She must be trying to achieve stardom the Delta Burke way. Oh yeah, she married that 90-year old oil tycoon for love not for millions of dollars? Yeah, right.

5. Counting Crows - Van Morrison was enough the first time around, thank you.

6. High School Disco Freaks - Those kids cruising around town listening to "Saturday Night Fever", reminiscing about the 70's, and wearing those retro "Quisp" and "Charlie's Angels" t-shirts. Umm...excuse me, you were born in 1979. What could you possibly remember about the 70's? Stick to the "Smurfs" instead.

7. Barrette People - (see #1 and #3 for examples). Girls who pull their hair back in those pink little plastic clips. Looks cute on a third grader, but not on a twenty year old.

8. Sonic Youth - Maybe I'm just getting old, or maybe I'm not as cool as I thought I was, but I just don't understand it. It's gotta be a slacker thing.

9. "Sellout" Labelers - Who decides what band is a sellout or not? What actually makes a band a sellout? Signing onto a major label? maybe. Being played on the radio? possible. Green Day lunchboxes and Rolling Stones action figures? yeah, probably. If you make music for a the money rather than for your fans (i.e. "comeback/reunion tours every year), then you've sold out.

10. Talk Shows - Addictive and truly evil. Even I watch them (although only to laugh at the people on them!). Why is it that the majority of guests either talk like little gangstas or sound like they live in a trailer park down south (or both!). "Lesbian Vampire Transsexual Strippers That Are Pregnant With Their Father's Fiancée's Ex-Husband's Quintuplets, on the next Geraldo.

11. Internet Censors - The internet community has taken huge steps in controlling the access of inappropriate material to minors, without limiting it to others. If parents don't want their kids to see such "filth" they should invest in a watchdog program (Surf Watch, etc.).

12. 90's Fat Tire Lowriders - Lowriders of cars from the sixties and seventies are cool, eighties and nineties models are not. A slammed 1964 Impala is tolerable. A slammed Honda Civic with tiny low-profile tires that stick out ten inches from the fenders looks incredibly stupid!

13. Kathie Lee Gifford - She's so happy, and perky, and her eternally cheerfulness makes me want to puke!
Honorable Mention: Regis Philbin - He annoys me too, but he also has to put up with Kathie Lee every day.

15. Newt Gingrich - call me a liberal, but Newt just has that characteristic slimy green consistency related to all other amphibians.

16. The Royal Family - I personally have had enough of Charles, Di, Fergie, Chester, Muff Muff, and the rest of 'em. (please note: this addition to the list occurred several months before Di's accident. However, the media has made me hate them even more).

18. Rancid - due to item #9, I can't call them sellouts, but why does this Southern California band sing with a slurred English accent? sounds like the Clash after one too many beers.

19. Tori Spelling - Oh Yeah, I'm sure that the fact that her father is Mr. Love Boat/Fantasy Island/90210 had nothing to do with her getting the role!

20. Pamela & Tommy Lee - Pam's obsession with becoming a human Barbie doll is so extreme, she's even starting to acquire that shiny cheap plastic complexion look. Tommy Lee is...well, he was in Motley Crue, 'nuff said!

21. Alanis Morrisette - The way she spasms around and does that palsiated thing with her arms when she sings, make us think that she is actually Joe Cocker's illegitimate love child. "Isn't It Ironic - that I SUCK!!??

22. Oasis - Those whiny little Liverpudlians who think they're the Beatles. Umm....I don't think so.

23. Spice Girls - Or should I say the "Skank Girls." No talent, no brains, not even that attractive. Finally a band that makes the New Kids look as talented as the Boston Philharmonic.

25. Mariah Carey - I'd rather listen to fingernails on a chalkboard than to hear her hit those damn high notes. And talk about an ego. She's so stuck on herself, she should change her name to Velcro

27. Ellen Degeneres - Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against lesbians, and pushing the boundaries of television is not a bad thing at all. Sure, there's nothing wrong with a comedy that deals with gay issues and freedom of choice and all that other stuff. But, if it's a comedy, shouldn't it be funny? Ellen has spent so much effort trying to be Ms. Lesbian, that her show sucks!

28. America Online - The antichrist on online. I personally don't understand why you AOL'ers stick with such a crappy service. Busy signals, Corrupt charges, creeping along at a snails pace, solicitations at every click, and once you get a good connection, Bam! you're disconnected. If the internet is a global village, AOL is on the wrong side of the tracks.
I personally wouldn't trust those AOL-bastards with my credit card. In fact they still have my credit card number! I once signed up on AOL about 2 years ago just to see what it was like. I ended up hating it, and quit. Recently, I thought I'd sign up again only to see how many people I can insult within AOL's free 40-hour promo. I logged on, put in my credit card info, and got an onscreen notice stating that my credit card has already been used with an earlier AOL promo (the first time I signed up) and that it would not be accepted. I called customer service to find out that AOL keeps a list of all credit card numbers in order to stop those people who abuse their free hours promos. AOL has no right holding credit card numbers from 2 years ago. They already sell your name (I still get mailed "special AOL member offers"), do they really need your credit card as well? Bastards!

29. Music Censors / Banners - It appears that these days, parents don't try to communicate with their children. And if anything happens to the child, it's somebody else's fault. Parent's need to take responsibility for their children. Teenagers don't throw themselves off a bridge because a rock star told them to. They do it because their life was already messed up long before they heard a depressing song. I saw a talk show (I know, I know, #10) about parents with kids who are Marilyn Manson fans. One parent decided that Manson should be banned from the music industry. Just because she can't control her own child, she feels it's necessary to ignore other people rights. Another child committed suicide and the parents believe that it was the fault of Manson's music. Of course the fact that the child's parents were divorced, the mother bought a CD titled "Antichrist Superstar" for her moody, mentally traumatized child, and many other shady circumstances had nothing to do with it. It was that devil music that made him do it!!!!!

30. Courtney Love - I hate her so much she deserves to be on twice. (Once for her horrible music, Two for her unimpressive acting career.

31. Howard Stern - I never understood why people think he's some form of entertainment. Yeah, I thought that farting was funny too when I was 6. This talentless hack has no right flooding the airwaves with his humorless, bastardized ideas of comedy. He should be kicked off the airwaves and laid to rest. Show's over Stern, let some new blood take over. Mancow rules!

32. "Poop" Daddy and his Lame Ass Family - Sorry hip-hop boys and girls, but Mr. Puff is Poop in my book. Maybe it's because every song I've heard by "Puffy" is a cover, a badly remade cover. "Every Breath You Take" was left gasping for breath. Zep's "Kashmir" was great until Poop Daddy tried rapping to it. Why other artists want to record with him is a mystery to me. puffy must have some sort of mind control of the music industry.

33. Religious Freaks - Don't get me wrong, I'm not an atheist, but I can't stand being around people who insist on forcing their own religion down your throat. I'm not one to believe that there is only one true religion, and that your belief in that one single religion is the only way to heaven. If that's true, Hell must be awfully full.

34. The Rolling Stones - I thought their farewell tour was about 7 years ago? How does a lame band like the Stones command $70 seats when they're on tour every year? I'll give the Spice Girls & Hanson (#23 & #24) credit before the Stones, at least their songs have some sort of variation and don't all sound the same.

35. eMpTyV- Remember when the M in MTV used to stand for MUSIC? It seems like years since I've seen a music video in that channel, and the ones I have seen are so LAME (see #21-25, & 31). All they have now is boring game shows, stupid cartoons, and Rock & Jock Baseball, Basketball, Football, Chess, Backgammon weekends. urrrngh!!

36. Chat Rooms of Desperation - Actually I can't complain too much about these Internet cesspools. What could be more fun than messing with the minds of people you'll never meet? Here's what you do: 1.) Enter any chat room with the words "love", "flirt", "romance", or "teen girls who want older men." 2.) Pick your alias. try portraying the opposite sex every once in a while. 3.) Abuse everyone in the chat room until you get booted. On a good night I've been known to be kicked out of numerous chat rooms.

37. Courtney Love (1999) Did I mention I really dislike her? Practically all of Hole's songs from "Celebrity Skin" were written by Smashing Pumpkins' Billy Corgan. Of course, once the media gave the album good reviews (for reasons why I'm not sure), Ms. Love slammed Billy and tried to take credit for writing all the songs. Kick her ass Billy!

38. Y2K Paranoia - OK, ok, nobody panic, everyone please stay calm. On Jan 1, 2000, we are in for some deep kaka. Every computer and automated device (cars, dishwashers, toasters) in the world will go postal, and turn on us. These computers will be programmed with one objective only: TO DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!! There will be NO survivors. The stock market will crash, money will be meaningless. You might as well just send me all your cash now.

39. Government Intervention - It seems like the government has their nose in everything these days. From gun control to internet censorship, the government feels it needs to regulate all aspects of life. Why do I feel like Big Brother is back (or did he ever leave?)