• Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. Moses never reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the Bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy, too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock, which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and three the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out, "Same to you, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I really don't understand. The English and French still have problems.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the whole world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by running two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest President. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and go shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

"We proceeded a little father when the mule stumbled again. Once more, my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once."

"Yes," said the visitor. "Tell Seymour his mother is here from the Bronx."

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Adrian Thibodeaux. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house. "Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

He turn a corner and see a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen Laundry. "Hans Ollaffsen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees and old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of the owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You?" asked the tourist. "How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many years ago when come to this country, was stand in Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde, Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Hans Olaffsen,' then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

What is the difference between baseball and law? In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.

Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor? No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Defense counsel: The truth of the matter is that you are not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?

Witness: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Ole drove his old pickup through the toll both. The attendant said, "Fifty cents." Ole replied, "Sold."

When the doctor discovered a suppository in Ole's ear, Ole exclaimed, "Now I remember where I put my hearing aid."

Do you know how a Ole almost drowned last winter? He was trying to put a basement in his ice fishing house.

On his deathbed Ole asked Lena for a piece of cake she was baking. She said, "No, Ole, that's for after the funeral."

Ole saw his car being stolen. So he chased it down the street to copy down the license number.

Lena asked Ole why he was wearing wet pants. "It said wash & wear on the label!" Ole replied.

"Lena, the waterbed has such nice bounce to it - what did you do?" asked Ole. "I filled it with spring water," replied Lena.

Ole was on the phone and screamed, "Hurry, Lena is having a baby!" "Is this her first baby?" "No!" Ole replied. "This is her husband."

Lena: I got a new bike for Helga.

Ole: "What a lucky trade."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"

Here are some current candidates:

UPI, Portland, OR --- Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club in Grant's Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. John Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted for Attempted Murder.

AP, Arkansas --- A woman visiting her in-laws last week stopped by a supermarket to buy some flowers. She parked next to a car in which a woman was sitting with her eyes closed and hands clasped behind her head, apparently sleeping. When the visiting woman returned to her vehicle, she again noticed the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very distraught, so the visiting woman tapped on the window and yelled "Are you okay?" The woman in the car answered, "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." The visitor ran back to the store where store employees called paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. Upon entering, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion, and had hit the woman in the head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was brain matter. She passed out from fright and then attempted to hold her "brain" together when she came to.

AAP, St. Louis, MO --- A Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

UPI, Spain --- A poacher, Marino Malerba, shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Man Loses Face at Party

Associated Press, Kincaid, WVA --- A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cptn. M.D. Pyne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to detonate it," Pyne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off.' He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Pyne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Pyne said.

This was made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they were saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a U.S. citizen who was injured stopping the chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since the manual specifically warned against it.

Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the Scandinavian manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything that stupid. I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had a label on them stating Warning: This product not intended for use by stupid people.

The Justice fined the young man $200 and collected the money on the spot. The young fellow turned to go but was called back by the Justice and handed the old ticket.

The speedster said, "Just what am I supposed to do with this? I paid my fine!" Whereupon the old J. P. replied, "Keep it, when you get three, you get a bicycle!"

Witness: Yes.

Counsel: When you say there is a minimum of cracking, I take it that you did find some cracking.

Witness: No. Because if I said there was no cracking, I would be in court just like this answering some stupid lawyers' questions. So I put minimum in there to cover myself, because somebody is going to find a crack somewhere.

The Court: I could say I would like to shake your hand, but I won't.

Counsel: Move to strike -

The Court: No. We are not going to strike it.

Counsel: Move to strike the word "stupid," Your Honor.

The Court: The most appropriate word you want stricken? It is worth the whole trial.

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Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? The change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downward forever, now we have to start thinking upward. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at the last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus had turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.

As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upward. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.

We're continuing to work on the Y zero K problem and I'll send you a parchment if anything develops.

Best regards, Plutonius

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